The Perplexing Nature of Chemistry

At 6’4” with Cote d’Azur colored eyes and Patrick Dempsey I-want-to-run-my-fingers-through-your hair, I’ve finally merged with an amazing man who is perfect for me. He’s witty, quick and vibrant. His values and goals echo mine. I love how I felt in his presence and I love how easy is to be me. This is the most natural and effortless connection I have felt in decades.

He is the complete representation of a “man at his best”…the vision women secretly hold in their dreams and pray one day they will meet. He is ready, able and willing to love with no issues or restriction. He has chosen me to be that person. His chemistry button is fully set to “on.”

After a week of walking circles in my home I find myself exhausted, stalled and confused. Meanwhile, he’s calling, texting, and trying in all manners possible to stake his claim. He hasn’t “felt this way in years” and wants to move forward. Berating myself, I wonder how it is that one can finally “meet their match” on so many levels and seek to retract.

He’s an amazing guy. He is everything I’ve wanted to experience in partnership and wants to do that with me. He is a man I can respect, admire and love…so what’s my problem?

It isn’t a fear of commitment. It isn’t because I’m not ready. It’s something deeper that’s stopping me from moving toward all that I’ve claimed I want in a partner. It’s the peculiar nature of “romantic chemistry” I find absent, and without which I find myself immobile.

Biological anthropologists such as Dr. Helen Fisher claim chemistry is scent based. Therapists’ claim chemistry is familial-based and dating coaches claim it is the luck of the draw.

Romantic chemistry is like porn: though we may not be able to describe it we know what it is. No amount of will power can make chemistry “happen.” Without chemistry, sexual romance is impossible. Logic may dictate we’ve made a solid connection; yet without this fragile and illusive component we call “chemistry” there is no ability to advance towards the incredible partner who is intent upon merging with us.

In my 20’s, I lived with my boyfriend for ten years. We had a tremendous love for each other. Despite his devotion, intelligence, career and stellar physique…I felt no chemistry.  I’ve also had situations where I’ve discarded the intensity of mutual chemistry when I’ve known the outcome wasn’t sustainable.

In life and love, there are some perplexing principles that must be learned through trial an error…no matter how peculiar their nature.

Chemistry is illusive. Perfumers’ have tried to bottle it. Neurobiologists’ have tried to isolate it. Chemistry is the perplexingly unique factor that separates friends from lovers. For reasons we know or may not know, without the spark of chemistry there is no impulse for romance. Chemistry is the essential component that holds lovers in a class all of their own, while holding “friends” at bay.

Chemistry is still a mystery for most of us in this world. Regardless of what the experts claim we know when we feel it and know when we don’t.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Susan Winter

    January 13, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Have you ever met someone who seems perfect… yet you can’t feel the romantic vibe? It’s odd. It’s illogical. It’s real. We can’t create it, even though we may want to do so. It’s just the way it is. Perfect on paper. Perfect in theory. Yet, there is something visceral that’s missing. You know what I mean. Susan

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