As I’m sure everyone and their dementia suffering grandma has heard, hostess is going out of business and taking all of their delicious, diabetes causing treats with them, threatening America’s stranglehold as the worldwide leader in childhood obesity and infant chubb chubbs. At a time like this it’s easy to fall into depression, fearing Obama’s America has finally come upon us. But I’ve been known for making lemonade out of soured lemons I found, so no situation don’t have no upside. Here’s a few ways to make the most of life without Hostess’ delectable snacks.
-Buy a guitar
Everybody likes music and a nice guitar melody can put a smile on the grumpiest grumperson’s face. You might not even know how to play, in which case, take some lessons dummy! If you can’t afford lessons then check YouTube for instructional videos. While you’re there, search ‘fat baby doing gangnam style.’ You won’t be disappointed.
-Learn to speak Chinese
As we all learned over the course of this presidential election, China will takeover the west by 2016. It’s time to accept the reality of the situation and start learning Chinese. Plus, a study was just released that found the average person in the world is a 28 year old Chinese man. That means if you don’t know Chinese then you are technically, literally, and figuratively below average.
-Stock up on Hoho’s and sell them on EBay in a year
Get down to your local market and buy up any Hostess snacks they got left, especially Hoho’s. In a year, people will pay more for a box of Hoho’s than they would for two of the finest prostitutes in all of Budapest.
-Watch your favorite Tyler Perry movie…again!
I probably do this one a little too much, so guilty as charged guys! Boy, am I red in the face. One thing I like to do is keep an up to date ranking for my fave T.P. films on a sheet of paper I hang above my bed. That way, when I wake up in the morning if I realize that OMG Madea clearly had stronger character development than Alex Cross, I can reach right on up to the list and edit it to reflect my ever evolving analysis of T.P.’s body of work.
-Send a letter to your nephew or niece
You’d be shocked to discover how pleasantly surprised someone is when they receive a letter from an uncle or auntie. But what should you say? The most important part is to relax and let the thoughts come naturally. Include things about your daily routine, what you’ve eaten lately and how the weather has been. And include a ‘PS’ because that makes it just a smidge more special.
-See how many jumping jacks you can do
Fitness is becoming a big issue in the Americas. With programs like Pee90x and Linsanity, people usually don’t even know which to choose! But here’s the secret about those work out videos they don’t want you to know: all you do is a bunch of jumping jacks in your living room. So for no cost just stand in front of your TV and do as many jacks as you can. The next day try to do 5 more and the next day another 5, etc. Within a week you should feel pretty dizzy most of the time and that’s normal. It’s just the feeling of being physically fit.
-Start a small business
Everybody knows that America is the land of opportunity and nothing is more opportunistic or American than starting a small business. Sure the business climate ain’t great, but it’s about doing what you love. Not sure what kind of business to open? Figure out what you love. You could have a bike repair shop, a middle eastern restaurant, a skydiving parachute maker company business, or even the next Hostess type snacks! Lord knows we’ll need em! Oh, you guys are too much.