How to Get Back with an Ex

In order for a couple to reunite after their breakup, both partners must have “changed.” Two new people need to have emerged from the rubble of “what was.” The issues that destroyed the initial partnership must have been fully addressed and a new game plan put into place.

Relationships are similar to being on a teeter-totter. When one partner shifts, the other must shift in correspondence. If we refuse to shift our position, joint balance is lost.

Life offers us ongoing opportunities to grow and change. That’s the good news. In relationships, it can also be the “bad news.” The person we loved is now different. We feel lost, confused and wonder how to recapture the beauty of the former relationship.

The remedy: we must also allow Life to change us. We need to move in harmony with the new input we’re experiencing to create an updated version of our “better self.”

In becoming a new and improved version of one’s self, the energy of “what was” (that didn’t work) now shifts to “what is possible” (and does work).

Each partner needs to see the other with “new eyes.” This is how a new relationship is created from the old. Whatever complaints or resentments were at the core of the breakup must be reexamined. A broader view is required. That includes taking responsibility for “our part in it,” and owning our actions in the breakdown of the partnership.

To look at the former issues from the “eagle’s view,” there is great clarity. From that all-encompassing perspective we begin to understand the reasons for our partner’s actions, and better understand our own. It doesn’t mean that we agree with the choices they made, or with the actions they took in response to those feelings. It means that we are willing to see the events that took place from a more inclusive and balanced view.

Reuniting after a breakup is a possibility if we are willing to listen (and hear) what our partner is saying, and to honor what happened for them in that experience. This willingness creates a bridge… a connection. Resentment is lessened in the act of understanding. An opening is created for love to flow again.

Regaining trust in the one who hurt us takes time, patience and consistency on both parts. Couples counseling and individual therapy are great tools for reuniting. Professionals can help us in seeing our own emotional patterns and redefining how we respond, or don’t respond, to our feelings.

Getting back together after a breakup is a process in which two “new people” fall in love, again. As our former selves are transformed, we rediscover the organic parts of the person with whom we originally fell in love. To find the greatness within our beloved requires our rebirth, with theirs.

We can never create anything new with the broken pieces of the old. There will always be visible remnant cracks. To create anew, we must each be reborn.

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