Dear Santa, I want a refund

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23 year-old-men must be out of stock this season. I received a 21 year-old. While I do thank Santa for his attempts to fill my Christmas list, I want a refund.

Asking Santa for a refund is confusing. Where do I send the forms? Does he really live at the North Pole? I know it’s only been a week but my 21 year-old is eating all the food in my home and I’m getting tired. I’m at the point where I’m thinking of taking him to Ikea and ditching him in aisle 257.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s sweet and adoring. But, there are a few little issues I’ve encountered with my much younger man. While I’ve long been an advocate for this type of romantic choice, (regardless of one’s age or gender), here are some facts you’ll need to know:

1. You will need to buy a defibrillator unit.

Bulky, inconvenient and not attractive on the nightstand, you will need to have this unit with you at all times. Very young men are prone to want sex anywhere, any time. It’s expensive and cumbersome. You’ll wonder why you didn’t do more aerobics and chastise yourself for smoking and living a sedentary life after your third divorce.

2.  You will curse your mother for not making you take ballet.

The reality of the positions you are expected to do in bed will make you hate your mother and possibly need therapy. Okay. Not her fault. The dexterity you need isn’t possible at your age and you know it.

3.  You will have to deal with text messaging as the only form of communication.

Very young men do not consider the phone a device for “speaking.” You will be forced to text all-important information and pray he understands the nature of what is humor, and what is real information. Upgrading your mobile device to “unlimited data” is expensive, as it’s only for him that you would need to do this.

4.  You will have to ride the wave of not clearly knowing what’s going on in his head.

He’s confused on every aspect of his life. He doesn’t know if he’s up or down. You will have to decide the difference between the frustrations of his day-to-day struggles, and who you are to him. If and when he settles into his own truth, you may be so exhausted from all the hot sex that you can’t think straight either.

5.  Understanding is great. Verbal communication is minimal.

Younger men are highly intuitive and the direct heirs of psychological evolution. But, at his age he’s perpetually distracted. The whole business of life is a really big deal… and no matter how much he cares for you, he’s dealing with an onslaught of new information and new decisions. He’s overwhelmed by his own life and rarely thinks to ask you about yours. You too will begin to think “talking” is overrated, and not necessary in a relationship.

6.  You will publicly wear a perpetual smile that reveals your private activities.

The idea of openly looking like an idiot isn’t fashionable in most social circles. The smirk you wear cannot be undone, no matter how hard you try. If you like your privacy, consider it a thing of the past. Your smile is bait for nosey “friends” who eagerly pry for any scrap of detail you may unwittingly reveal. You can no longer enjoy a second Martini in peace, for fear you’ll give up the goods to the wrong person.

7.  You must endure the glare of older men who can’t have you and younger women who can’t be you.

There’s no way around this fact. When in public with your younger man, you will not be alone. There will be a continual barrage of onlookers who squint to see how many wrinkles you have as they search for telltale age spots. They will tilt their heads in wonder about how you can be this man’s choice and why he is yours.

8.  You must forego reading in bed at night.

Your sex life is so all-consuming that the pleasures of reading a good book before going to sleep becomes a distant memory. After your young guy has flipped you around the bed like meat on a hot grill, he wants to be cuddled. You’ll berate yourself for doing poorly in your neighborhood Book Club, and paying a personal trainer when your nightly lovemaking has ten times the aerobic benefit and comes for free.