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Dear Santa, I Want A 23 Year-Old-Man
The holidays are a time of giving. And receiving. So, I’ve written my letter to Santa. I know what I want under my tree.
For those of you who are still uncertain about what you want this holiday season, I have a suggestion. Ask Santa (Grandma, Aunt Betty or your local Rabbi) for a 23 year-old-man. Don’t let your age or gender dissuade you from the many years of joy you’ll receive from this request. Why should you put this gift on your list?
A 23 year-old-man is at the height of his physical beauty. His testosterone levels are raging. Having only sparse smatterings of chest hair, one’s visual interest is easily sustained while gazing upon his muscularity.
It’s the perfect age for a young man to be in love, or think he’s in love.
At 23, he’s not yet jaded to life… so he’ll be more attentive to yours. He can remove those pesky “child-proof” caps on your heart medication. He’ll fetch you a glass of water more quickly than you can rise from a chair, and does so with a smile. Once you’ve taken your meds, he will test your stress levels in bed and increase your aerobic endurance.
What other tangible arguments can I offer for this “holiday request?” Here are the indisputable facts I know to be true:
1. He can drive at night.
2. He can read fine print without reading glasses (so you don’t need to scramble for yours).
3. He’s proficient with an iPhone and will happily help you with apps you never knew you had.
4. He knows what just happened with your computer and how to fix it.
5. He sleeps like a dead man throughout the night; regardless of your snoring, thrashing, perimenopausal night sweats or prostate issues.
6. He wakes up with a smile on his face because he doesn’t yet know what you know about life.
7. He’s instantly ready for lovemaking regardless of time, place, lack of sleep or how you look.
8. He’s financially equal to men and women 30 years older than himself; those who are also living in a small apartment (having lost their money through divorce) or have a diminished portfolio due to ongoing surgical fees for “non-approved” medical enhancements.
You can return him at any time (though you won’t want to do so). As with all forms of romance, there are no warranties accompanying a 23 year-old-man. He’s far more delicious than the awful fruitcake your neighbor left on the doorstep, and he lasts longer than this season’s newest technological device. He’s the “gift that keeps on giving” throughout the holidays and many years to come.